My Kingdom or His?

/ petkaujenn / Leave a comment

I recently received one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever been given. It was a dreary rainy day. It was that time of the month. It was feeling hard to keep my head above the water. Meetings with social worker, kids’ sports to attend, laundry baskets full of laundry, company to host, photoshoots to prep for and edit, meals to cook, renovations to complete, etc. It had all just piled up. I had hit that point where I felt like I’d reached max capacity in the stress management department and was deep breathing and praying through each moment to keep from plunging into stormy waters. I was struggling but managing to stay on top of the sea of overwhelming emotion and in my head. And then the phone rang. That old saying “the straw that broke the camels back” summed up that one phone call. A difficult and aggravating situation seemed to suddenly catapult itself right smack into the middle of my day – right into that moment where I thought maybe I was getting the victory. Right into the moment when I was praying for extra grace – praying for Jesus to come through and help this day feel more manageable.

That one phone call pushed me over the edge. It wasn’t a big thing, but it was one more thing. One more thing that it didn’t feel like my day needed. I continued to pray but my tone had changed. Seriously! Why God? Why when it feels like I’m hardly keeping my head above water, when I cry out for extra grace, when I feel like I’m barely holding on and begging for your help, why would you allow something more in that moment? I don’t get it! Of course, my brain decided it would not only wallow in the the trials of this day but also reverted to all the previous years trials also.                                                                                  

  As my mind went back over the past number of years, I pointed out all the difficulties to God, all the areas where I felt I’d sought to honor him, and all the areas where it felt like he hadn’t come through. I pointed out that it had felt hard sometimes to really truly believe he was good. God we’ve experienced the loss of a child, the loss of other family members, we experienced so much heartache trying to have our family. We’ve now experienced adoption breakdown. We’ve experienced the judgment of others. We have experienced so much heartache! And God, I’ve only scratched the surface in naming those things! And I know you’re powerful enough to turn it around, to end it all, and yet you don’t seem to. You seem to keep allowing it to pile up.                                                                                                                                               

I sank into a terrible pity party. That dark hole I’d been trying to avoid now threatened to swallow me up. Loudly in my thoughts I heard but you know I’ve still been good through all of that. You know deep down I’ve been working everything for your good. You know I’ve shown you purpose and goodness through all of these trials. You know my word to be true when I say I don’t afflict willingly. I felt irritated at the positive thoughts trying to tear down the walls of my despondent ones. If this was the Holy Spirit speaking to me, I didn’t really want encouragement in that moment, I wanted his sympathy.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this stormy sea that was my brain, my phone notified me that I had a new message through Messenger. As I was driving through traffic, tears rolling down my face I hit play on the voice message. It was a dear friend that I have often shared my heart with but haven’t talked to in awhile. This friend and I have prayed together, shared scripture, and spent hours talking about our relationship with Jesus and how all that fits into our marriages, our relationship with our kids, friends, and this world we live in. I listened to her talk about how she had recently received a blessing. She and her husband had been facing some big trials and uncertainty. Life had been hard. But she shared about how God had really come through and appeared to be working out a situation that had felt impossible. I shut the message off and officially gave up on trying to hold back the hot, angry, overwhelmed tears that I knew would leave my makeup a smudged mess and me feeling very conspicuous through the bazillion errands I needed to run.                                 

So that’s nice God. Thank you for encouraging her and coming through to work out her impossible, for giving her an extra blessing when it felt like she couldn’t take anymore. Thank you for doing that for her but the whole time you’re over here leaving me high and dry it seems and letting one thing after the next fall apart. Deep down I knew my bitter, angry mood was only digging the hole I was in deeper, but somehow that wasn’t enough to pull myself back out. And I have learned God just simply wants me to come to him as I am – the raw, the real, and the ugly. He truly is my safe place because only he can help me work through the troubled waters of my soul and mind and find fresh perspective.

Eventually I finished the message but I waited a few hours before responding. People who know me well, know I am very real – maybe too real sometimes! I decided I was just going to be honest about where my heart was. As I voice messaged back, I thanked my friend for her message and then just bluntly told her I was struggling a bit with it. I explained that while I was happy she was feeling encouraged and that God was coming through for her, I was struggling. I simply told her that I was feeling very discouraged and that it felt like God just wasn’t coming through for me. I told her that although deep down I know he’s good, I’m struggling in my faith – struggling  to believe that God really cares. I told her sometimes I find myself wondering what I’ve gotten so wrong that God would allow life to be so hard.                                                                                                                                                                                   

I hit the send button on my voice message and waited for her response. She voice messaged back and her words filled my soul with life that ended my bitter despondent tears and instead had me crying tears of gratitude. I have learned there is so much blessing to be found in being very open, honest, and real about struggles with others. I struggle with this at times because my pride wants to show the world I have it all together and that my faith is rock solid. But there is so much blessing found in sharing the truth with someone that shares the same heart and passion for Christ. Sometimes we need someone else to help us back on our feet. This is why God desires us to live in community.                                         

She shared that when we met, lived close to each other, and were able to get together and share as we often had, my faith had been an encouragement, an example, and that she considered me to be a woman after God’s own heart. As she said that my thoughts stopped in their tracks and the tears flowed with a burst of energy. God what would make her say that? She knows my heart, my struggles, my failures! I felt a bit of awe that she would say that about someone like me. She’d seen my anger, my impatience, and my lack of faith at times.                                                                                                                                                 

Over the next few days that line “a woman after God’s own heart” kept replaying in my mind. You know when a song gets stuck in your head? It was like that. I didn’t know if I agreed with her, but I found myself thinking a lot about David, the man my friend was referencing. David, the man God called “a man after my own heart” (Acts 13:22). It warmed my soul and brought light into my heart every time I thought about it. I can say her describing me as that has honestly been the greatest compliment I’ve ever received. A few mornings later, during my early morning walk, I found myself praying, God what does it mean to be a man or woman after Gods own heart? I know that was the title you gave to David when you made it known he would be the next king but what did it look like to truly be that? What was it about David that caused you to reference him in that way? I felt the Holy Spirit whisper through my thoughts grab your Bible and dig into it. Study it out. Dig deep.                 

Over the next week I did exactly that and kept taking my discoveries back to God. As always it will never cease to amaze me how God can use a conversation with a friend, a morning prayer time, scripture, a sermon, a song, etc and tie it together into one clear and concise thought – always a message that my soul  needs to hear and aligns with scripture. He doesn’t call scripture the living word for nothing!                                                                                    

Throughout my study that week I felt a mix of both encouragement and conviction. I felt I needed to go back to my friend and inform her that I had found areas in my life where I could see that God heart in myself but also areas that I needed to work on. But something really stood out to me – David was far from perfect. David stumbled and fell. I’ve known this since a child in Sunday school, but it hit me with fresh awareness. God was not calling a perfect human a man after his own heart. He gave that title to someone who had given his life to God, who loved God, who had a deep and real relationship with God, but who also sinned – horrendously at times. I think it was through a worship song playing in the car that week that another thought grew in my mind seemingly unrelated to this one at first but again one I felt I needed to dig into and once again it all tied together into a clear, strong message. God really is amazing! This thought came in the form of a question that again replayed through my mind over the next few days. Whose kingdom am I building?                 

I had been thinking so much about about life, about raising my kids, restarting this blog, the daily mundane, relationships with friends, serving in church, writing my book, my new photography business, all my life goals. And something hit me with renewed clarity. My attitude in these things is very much influenced by which kingdom I’m invested in – my kingdom or God’s kingdom. So many light bulbs came on in my mind as I connected the dots.                                                                                                                                                                             

I thought about church culture, my relationship with friends and family and always forefront in my mind during this season in life– parenting. Raising my kids. My relationship with them. My desires for them. The way I talk about them. I thought about the morals I want to instill, the values, behaviours, and character I hope to see. What I hope their lives look like one day.  I thought about the heartaches we’ve endured during this parenting journey, and the blessings we’ve enjoyed. And I realized with fresh perspective and awareness that in everything God needs to be at the center.                                                                                  

In all of the very good things I seek to do, I could very much be doing them for the wrong reason. I could be working from a place where I am building my own kingdom. I then realized when that is the kingdom I am working for, it will very much affect my heart and attitude in all of this. If my kingdom is at the center, I will be a controlling parent. I will need my kids to fit my narrative through their life choices, behaviors, and attitudes. And the devil is very, very sly. It can all look so very good on the outside. Maybe I am working hard at instilling good character and morals in my kids in order to receive human praise and validation. Maybe it’s all about my image and ego. Maybe it’s about feeling valid and worthy. Maybe my very identity is tied up in my parenting and who my kids become. Maybe I want to hear people talk about me, my kids, and how well we have it together. Maybe I like it a lot when people to come to me for advice and help. If building my own kingdom is at my center then this is where my heart will be.                                                                                                                                                

I realized that being invested in God’s kingdom might not mean I teach, shape, or instruct my kids in different morals and character, but that it would change my heart behind all of that. Living for his kingdom brings more peace and brings my anxiety level down. It matters much less what people might say or think. Whether people look up to me or don’t doesn’t matter. If they do, maybe I can find a way to help point them to investing in building God’s kingdom themselves. If they don’t, maybe that warrants a heart check to see if there’s any merit to their opinion. Maybe they have a point and I have some heart work to do. Maybe they don’t and I move on, not giving it a second thought.                                                                 

I was encouraged to find I really do have God’s heart and kingdom building prioritized as I believe He wants me to in some areas. I was convicted and humbled as I realized there were areas where my own pride and ego was warping my priorities. As always, I find these things are where we can experience the sweetness repentance brings. A priority clean up! It literally reminds me of when I set aside an afternoon to clean out a cluttered cupboard and the lightness and relief I feel when that cupboard is cleaned and organized!                                                                                                                                                                          

God brought this all home for me in one clear and much-needed message. David being a man after God’s own heart meant that he was invested into building God’s kingdom, not his own. It meant God was truly his father, his friend, his brother. It meant his relationship with God superseded any of his earthly relationships. It meant he found his life and very soul in God. Yes, he stumbled. He fell hard. He sinned. He repented. And in his repentance he didn’t sugar coat a thing. He didn’t make excuses or twist the narrative, deflect, or refuse to take ownership. He simply said, “Against you (God) and you only have I sinned”, (Psalm 51:4).And when the dust settled on his grave at the end of his life, I think it’s probable that tomb and was marked by an inscription that read, “David – a man after God’s own heart”.                                                                                                                                                                      Being that man meant his life was full of twists and turns, his life was full of all the heartaches this life throws at us, he experienced attack after attack from the enemy – but I can personally vouch for the fact that as all-consuming as the trials in this life can be at times having that deep and intimate relationship with my creator outshines anything great this world or building my kingdom might offer. I don’t always feel that way. I get caught up in the sorrows or also the pleasures of this life. I get distracted. I get pulled away but deep in my heart I know this is where my peace, my joy, my salvation and my foundation lie.

My friend’s words filled my soul and brought truth into my heart that I already knew but that I needed to be reminded of. Yes, I want to teach my kids to be good humans, to make the right choices, to be full of good works, to contribute to society. Over and above that, actually in and through all of that, I want them to know and love their God and know how much He loves them. I want them to know and remember their Mama was a mama after God’s own heart and that they in turn would be inspired to seek the same heart.                        

If at the end of my days it is known that this mama’s heart was a heart after God’s own heart, I will consider my life, my parenting, the legacy I have left for my kids a success. I want them to look at my life and see me as a mom that invested her life into building HIS kingdom.

I Just Need to Drive Well

/ petkaujenn / Leave a comment

I had predicted the struggle that rose up within me the other day.  For months now we have been so focused on the paperwork and meetings part of this adoption process, that the little girl we are adopting has in some ways felt more like an idea than a reality. Of course we have known she is a real person that exists out there, but as our brains have been intensely caught up in all the logistics surrounding our first meeting, transitioning her to our home, and then finalizing her adoption, the thoughts and feelings surrounding the reality of her had been somewhat superficial. Throughout the years I have learned that whenever embarking on any major life-changing journey, when the reality hits I will spend some time in panic-mode and have some big thoughts, feelings, and questions to work through.

During the past few weeks we have met our daughter, spent a lot of time with both her and her foster family, and learned more about her past. Over a couple of days, all of this information transported my brain into a bit of whirlwind – emotions ranging from excitement to apprehension. What if I don’t have it in me to be a good mom to this girl? What if we can’t bond properly? What if I can’t build that relationship that I so want to have with her? What if it simply doesn’t work out well? The questions didn’t stop there, but you get the point. My mind validated each of these fears by reminding me of all my flaws and failures, all of my worst parenting moments.

Having traversed similar battle-ground in past situations I tackled the battle in my mind, knowing that I’d eventually subjugate my racing thoughts. The fact that I had predicted these fears caused me to regard them with some indifference. I have become deeply convinced though that there are times when God allows us to struggle in order to motivate us into a passionate search for answers and peace. Always in that search I have found a blessing that I would not have found without the search.

That blessing came while headed down the highway for home after spending a few days with our new little girl. I was praying over these fears, asking God to bring me peace and confidence when a beautiful analogy came to mind. Sitting in our truck, traveling down the familiar road I began to think about all the thought, engineering, and work that has gone into modern transportation. Manufacturers, engineers, study, etc. The effort that has gone into providing us with the means we have to get us from point A to point B is mind boggling if a person takes the time to give it some thought. And yet for me, all transportation means is holding a drivers licence and working at having safe and efficient driving skills to successfully get me down the road. The background work that has gone into creating the vehicle I drive and making it what it is, is something I know very little about. I know next to nothing about the skills it takes to build a highway but can imagine that hours of surveying, planning, and skills are involved. The only piece of all of this that I am involved in is simply to hold a drivers licence, as well as maintain and develop safe and efficient driving skills. I simply get in the car, and drive down the road, giving little thought to what has gone into making such a thing available to me.

I felt like God was saying to me, do not worry your head about all the aspects of this adoption. Just get in your “Mom vehicle” and be the best driver you can be. Learn, grow, acquire new skills, fine-tune and better present skills, read, listen, love, have fun, and spend hours on your knees if need be looking to me for help, strength, and wisdom. And simply trust me to work it all out.

Peace filled my soul and I sat amazed at how God has the ability to turn even a road trip into a sermon! That analogy has given me so much focus and direction over the past few days. And every time I get into my vehicle to drive somewhere I am reminded again that it is simply my job to work hard at being the best mom I can be and leave the rest up to God.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Laugh

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My inspiration for this post comes from a recent experience around the dinner table. Hardly profound and the lesson I learned that night was really quite simple – but sometimes simple lessons are the best!

Everyone was happily downing a glamorous and, might I add, exceptionally healthy meal of tator tots and chicken nuggets, when a certain adorable little girl in the family suddenly sneezed. The tsunami force behind that sneeze left a ginormous amount of slippery, slimy, mucous hanging precariously from her little nose. Everyone instantly froze into a simultaneous moment of silence. Little girl quickly tried to right her unfortunate situation by brushing her arm across her face, which only accomplished in leaving a giant snotty streak up the side of her arm.

Battling a wave of nausea, I rose from the table without a word and walked toward the bathroom in search of some much needed cleaning supplies. When I reached the kitchen portion of my journey, I screeched to a stop to avoid stepping on some sort of bodily excrement the dog had left in the middle of the room. Yes, you read that correctly. A giant turd sitting randomly and nonchalantly right in the middle of my freshly washed floor. I felt my cheeks flush and the pressure rise as I began those deep breathing exercises they teach you in anger management classes. Upon my arrival in the washroom, I discovered that the youngest in the family had left something bearing a striking resemblance to what the dog had left me in the kitchen. At least he’d found the appropriate room! I quickly cleaned those messes up before marching back to the table to clean up the first mess. FINALLY, messes mayhem dealt with, I sat down once again, to my lovely kale and cranberry salad. I was clearly impressed by my resilience to handle disgusting situations and ability to get mind over matter! The fortitude I have gained since I first became a parent twelve years ago!

Our table back to a respectable normal, we all resumed the usual dinner routine when suddenly a loud gassy rumble from little brother’s corner of the room brought me back to the reality of what life with three kids can look like. As he met my disapproving glare with those twinkling brown eyes and infectious belly laugh, I succumbed. My eyes met my husbands across the table and our heads fell into our hands as we burst into hysterical laughter. Then I remembered an excerpt from a parenting book I am reading by Zig Ziglar where he talked about choosing humor over anger and irritation whenever possible. You know, being a parent can be downright disgusting and sometimes you just gotta laugh! Even in scripture we are told that laughter is as good as medicine.

Ziglar is right. Humor seems to be a God-given gift and one that can eliminate stress, frustration, and irritation. Laughing. It’s one of my new life goals as a parent! Whenever possible, I plan to laugh. Oh, and possibly another parenting goal might be to work on developing some good table manners.

When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough

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Let me be honest. At this point in time my life is crazy. Let me say that again – my life is  CRAZY! In fact, I would call it unhealthily busy. We are in the process of getting another year of homeschooling to the finish line, we are foster parents to an adorable little girl that means regular appointments with physio, occupational, and speech therapists as well as her pediatrician and psychologist. Along with all of this we are in the process of adopting an eight year old girl which means a conundrum of conference calls, emails, phone calls, appointments with our social worker, and soon eight hour drives as we begin to maneuver our way through the process of transitioning our new daughter into her new life with us. Whew! As I type this out, I suddenly feel better about the constant whirring of blurry thoughts racing through my head. I am okay with this because I know this is just for a season, but let me tell you our social worker was not kidding the other day when she informed me that it will be ‘hair straight back’ for us for the next few months!

I tell you all of this to help you understand the state of mind I was possibly in the other day when suddenly the chorus of tiny human voices inundated the quiet bliss I had been enjoying. As each of my three little people made their grand entrance from the backyard, and my previous quiet instantly dissipated, I felt my irritation level skyrocket. My tired brain began to try to make sense of the gazillion questions, elaborate stories, and pleas for help. Probably what irritated me most was the fact that each of them was simultaneously competing for my one hundred percent attention. Finally with one hand held high like a traffic sergeant, I barked out in a tone that had each of them gasping for air as they stopped mid-sentence. “See this here?” I tapped my head emphatically. Three pairs of eyes stared at me puzzled. “How many brains do you think this head holds?” My eyes turned to my ten year old for a response. “uuumm, one.” He stared at the floor somberly completely perceiving the lecture they were all about to receive. “That’s right. ONE brain. And how many voices are pouring into that one brain right now?” My ten- year old glumly replied, “Three”. “Exactly! Now I hope you guys understand that this ONE brain can only handle ONE voice at a time.” The next few moments were much less chaotic.

There have been a lot of these sort of occurrences lately. My brain is simply a bit overloaded. God knows I want to be the best parent I can possibly be and I just don’t like the fact that I’ve been a little extra snappy and irritable lately. All of this led me to an empty parking lot the other day during my son’s violin lesson to have a good heart to heart with God. There I sat, Starbucks in hand, a steady stream of tears pouring down my face! Let me tell you dear Mama’s if you’ve never tried sitting in an empty parking lot in your minivan, with your favorite Starbucks drink in hand, pouring your heart out to God, then I suggest you try it. It’s very liberating! Anyway, I just let it all out. I knew I’d gotten to the heart of my struggle when I cried to God, “it’s just so hard when you go to bed at night, feeling like you have tried so hard all day but your best wasn’t good enough.” At that point, I felt God speaking to me, “your best is never good enough.” I pondered that thought briefly. I thought about how human effort is speckled with flaws and mistakes. I thought about the Bible verse that says, your righteousness is as filthy rags, in its context meaning that any human good next to God’s good is never going to be good enough. I then thought about how much I have learned about myself and God throughout the years.

As I meditated more on this truth, peace flooded in. I simply prayed then that God would take my efforts and transform them into something amazing for his glory, that he would bathe my parenting in his grace, strength, and forgiveness. Suddenly I then realized that when given to him, my best is good enough. I thought about the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians and prayed he would help me grow in things like kindness, gentleness, peace, etc. I realized that when I give my best to God, He can and will improve my best. Suddenly I felt refreshed and inspired, renewed strength to go on, renewed strength to continue to serve the family God has blessed me with.

Needless to say, I drove to pick my son up from his violin lesson with a heart light with joy. During the fifteen minute drive home, I had the most wonderful and transparent conversation with him as I explained why I’d reacted the way I had to specific incidents that day, why I’d been feeling a little extra stressed, and why I had certain expectations for him. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that a kid responds exceptionally well when you come down to their level and get real with them about your own humanity, your weaknesses and failures in a way they can relate to.

God reiterated an important truth to me that day; he wants us to come to him just as we are, pouring our hearts out to him and holding nothing back. There is a reason he tells us in scripture that he is the friend who sticks closer than a brother! I walked away from that day feeling motivated, inspired, encouraged, and confident in what I can become and accomplish with God by my side. I believe when I give my best to God he will make my best good enough!

Not long ago, my husband and I were browsing a lot of RV trailers for sale, trying to get a bit of an idea about what kind of layout, size and style would be a good fit for our family. As we ambled about the lot a salesman, probably in his sixties or so, approached us. He was a friendly gent and had us chatting and laughing within seconds. He asked my husband what he does for work and then for the next few minutes the two of them chatted about that.

“So what do you do?” The salesman turned his conversation to me.

“I am a stay-at-home mom,”I responded, smiling broadly. He paused briefly, his face breaking into a huge grin.

“Thank you for not saying, I am JUST a stay at home mom. Your job is probably one of – he hesitated briefly – no your job is probably THE most important job in society! And, if more moms in society would see it that way, our society would probably have less problems!”

That man blessed me that day. He reiterated to me one of my deepest convictions. I am not just a mom! I have been chosen to nurture and shape precious little souls. This is my career, a career of a very high calling. I am blessed. I am honored to have been chosen for such a task. I am humbled that God would choose me to do this.

This blog. It is something I have contemplated for about a year and a half now. A few have thrown the idea my way, suggesting it would be something I possibly might have the opportunity to bless others with. I have almost taken the plunge on numerous occasions but somewhere in there has been a day when I have really struggled in my role. Discouragement has held me back. Who am I to share with the world? Sure, I’ve learned a thing or two. But I still have so much to learn! And then it dawned on me the other day, the moms I feel the most encouraged by are the ones who have lots of experience, who have struggled, who have failed, and who have found victory. They’ve climbed the mountains, faced the demons, and triumphed in the breakthroughs.

I have experienced a lot in this wonderful “mom world” and so I do have a lot to share. I have two beautiful biological boys, and one sweet boy I refer to as my angel, mostly because he lives with the angels now. Although I only got to be mommy to this darling boy for three short years, I am mommy forever to his memory in my heart. I have anticipated becoming a mommy five times, only to find myself sitting in a puddle of tears, facing  a broken heart, and empty arms. Two of those were miscarriages. One was an adoption, The other two were through a long and difficult process known as embryo adoption – that failed. I am a foster mom and now (eeek, my heart just skipped a beat!) prospective adoptive mom! My journey has been messy – but oh what a beautiful and meaningful mess it has been!

I am a Christian. Jesus is my Saviour. He comforts my heart when I confess and and ask his forgiveness for the areas where I have failed, and helps me find the joy. And he leads me to new hope and encouragement when I am lost and falling apart. By his grace and strength I climb the mountains and find the victory.

As Mother’s Day approaches I think of the journey I have been on thus far throughout my career as a mom. My heart is filled with so much gratitude. I know ever so deeply I can attribute at least a part of that gratitude to those times when I have felt deep heartbreak and emptiness. I heard a story once of a man standing with a crowd on the deck of a ship admiring a beautiful sunset. He stood there much longer than the others, appearing completely spellbound. Finally someone asked why it enthralled him so deeply. He explained that once, for five years, he was blind before some sort of medical breakthrough had allowed him to recover his sight. It seems to be a part of cursed human nature that we appreciate more after we have lost. I knew there was a chance my youngest son could die from the same genetic disease that took his brother. To this day, at times, my heart will still swell with joy over one of his temper tantrums. I’m serious! I just feel so thankful that he is healthy enough and ALIVE to pull off a tantrum! Of course I am only human and don’t always manage to feel that way!

We are not just moms! May this blessed and this career of one of the highest callings have us on our knees begging for grace and wisdom. May we be found searching, growing, and loving. May we raise up a generation of souls that will bless a broken and needy world. May our kids one day have hearts full of love and stand in noble character as they remember the woman they called ‘ Mom’ was not just a mom. I believe that with God’s help and this kind of heart we will indeed find the result described in the scripture, Proverbs 31:28, Her children rise up and call her blessed. That kind of woman was never just a mom.

I’m Not Just a Mom

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